Paparazzi pics keep a careful watch on diners 

There can only be a handful of restaurants where one can dine and look at a massive photograph of one’s lunch host keeping the prying cameras away from Marlene Dietrich.

Such a photograph takes pride of place at Cucina Paparazzi, Walter and Liz Abt’s restaurant in St George’s Mall, decorated in greys with a raised section of tables underneath poster-sized black and white paparazzi-style pix of a young Evita Bezuidenhout, Grace Jones, a camp dancer whose swollen tights were punctuated by a giant exclamation mark, anonymous blonde-bombshells and others.

Much of my lunch with Basil Rubin -- who, when that pic was taken, was a strapping young man protecting Marlene Dietrich (whom he and Pieter Toerien brought to South Africa) from cameras -- was spent haggling over me not paying for the meal. I guess no harm would have come if I had told him that I intended writing it up. After all, Basil Rubin seems to be Cucina Paparazi's most honoured guest.

Delicious croutes

On his recommendation I ordered the onion soup (R17.50), which I really enjoyed, although I would have preferred the more traditional brown onion soup, created by caramelizing the onions first. It was served with delicious cheese croutes.

I can’t say if they went to the trouble of clarifying the stock by using a mixture of egg whites and minced meat or if it was simply filtered, but it was intensely flavoured and surprisingly rewarding for a fine consommé. Other than the cheese croutes (small toasts with melted cheese) I imagine it could be a low fat meal. If I remember correctly, the clarification process also removes fat if lean mince is used.

Basil didn’t want a starter and ordered the last portion of a house specialty, Hackbratn (R38), which was baked meatloaf served with a potato Rosti. Walter always has a few traditional European dishes on his menus. I tasted the Hackbratn and, while flavourful, it was not the kind of dish I would have ordered, even though Basil gave it the thumbs-up.

I ordered the Cape Salmon (R48) prepared either with garlic butter or lemon. You must believe me when I say that in ordering the lemon version I expected a simple piece of grilled fish with lemon on the side. As much as I try to avoid dishes that will land on my hips (if ever I lose enough weight to find them) I seem to fail in my quest for that Holy Grail.

Back to reality

My fish arrived in a pool of lemon butter sauce that shone like a bright yellow sun and called to me like a heroin-dependent siren singing for sailors. I had no choice. I had to taste it and, like getting a drug fix, I could feel the melted butter in my veins soothing away all my troubles. It wasn’t until Basil mentioned his new pacemaker that I was jolted, unhappily, back to harsh reality.

Perfectly prepared slices of carrot, and ratatouille and a choice of rice or chips accompanied the fish.

Maybe you remember the Abts from Café Bodega or Walter’s in the Old Mutual Arcade on St George’s Street and, if you do, you’ll remember their particular skill with pastry and cakes. On previous occasions I have loved their marzipan chocolate logs but I thought that opting for the Apple Strudel (R18.50) would be less calorific than a paste made almost entirely from ground almonds.

Boosted tastebuds

The baked phyllo-wrapped strudel was thankfully not as sweet as I expected and the tart apple slapped my taste buds, preparing them for the cinnamon and clove boost. The combination of the strudel, together with my almost black coffee, was magnificent.

While not a health lunch, I could have made worse choices, such as the cheesecake that caught my eye or the deep-fried schnitzel. I say this because readers have chastised me for my lack of willpower. Cold Turkey may be fine on a sandwich, but it certainly isn’t the way to go from swelter to svelte.

When Basil Rubin takes one out to lunch, one does not ask to see the bill. I called Cucina Paparazzi to get menu prices the following day.