Ever since when, as a six-year old child, I walked into the Voortrekker Road, Goodwood, branch of Kentucky Fried Chicken and asked for a “polker”, (the Yiddish word for chicken leg) and had to point to a picture because the server didn’t know what I meant, the Colonel has had a hold over me. Even for the eight years that I was vegetarian, I would still go into KFC for their coleslaw salad. Until recently, the ultimate solitary comfort-food experience was a six-piece Family Feast with chips, mash and gravy, coke and a James Bond DVD . So it makes it especially difficult for me now to turn my back on my beloved in favour of healthier eats. Even more so, having the advertising for R12,99 two-piece chicken and chips rammed down by throat by the box.

Picture the scene, Philip Thraves and I, looking like Tweedledum and Tweedledee, in search of a healthy, fast budget meal. He tries to negotiate with Fontana Chicken to let him have chakalaka and pap instead of chips for the same price, but they refuse, while I head to Kauai Sea Point across the road.

Committing to one’s waistline would be far easier if it didn’t cost more. Take the experience at Kauai, for example. The Riser Deluxe (R16.90) breakfast (served all day), which offers eggs, feta, tomato and spring onion, mild green pepper salsa on a lightly-buttered roll, is one of their cheapest options and not nearly as filling as two pieces of chicken and chips for two rand less. While I was more focused on my bare arms sticking to the table than I was to the taste of my late-night Riser Deluxe, I thought that only the feta imparted flavour and the rest, while not unpleasant, was unrewarding.

I’ve taken a keen interest in the psychology of eating recently so I was aware that while I was eating this “healthy” meal my mind was focused on KFC. Even while multi-tasking  - chatting to Philip about Julie Andrews’ Star (available on DVD) and munching away, I was dialoguing with myself about how extremely unhealthy KFC’s deep-fried offering was and what I was eating had to be immeasurably better for me.

I ordered a 350ml Peanut Bliss smoothie (R11.90) in revolt. As I was sacrificing a tummy full of grease I would compensate, in part, with the peanut, chocolate, banana, vanilla ice cream and low-fat milk. I’ve had this drink many times at Kauai before and it is a favourite. On days when I need a green boost I opt for a tot of freshly minced wheat grass. It tastes like tripping face first on the lawn with your mouth open, but it is very good for you. On a previous visit I had the Moroccan Wrap (R29.90) with steak, avo, beans, rice and more, which was delicious, but on this occasion neither budget not diet permitted. My other regular is the Chicken Parmesan sarmie, which is chicken breast, spicy herb sauce, green pepper, lettuce and tomato and, of course, loads of parmesan.

Parmesan lovers should know that as a rule hard cheeses such as Parmesan have more fat than soft ones do (mascarpone being a notable exception) so even in a place like Kauai, where their slogan describes them as a journey from the soil to the soul, fat busters need to keep their eyes open. 

We arrived just before closing time and, other than another couple who were sitting outside, we had the place to ourselves. Cindy, who served us, was sweet and tried to degrease the table when requested to do so. As we walked to the car, the salt smell of the sea in my nostrils punctuated by stale urine, my thoughts lovingly returned to KFC where, for R10 more, I’d be munching on six-pieces of chicken instead.